Rough Patch

 This week has been a rough week for the both of us. For some reason, we just kept having conflicts and arguments. 

It started during the weekend with the car incident. I haven't let it pass yet.

Then now it's about Plato. It's not that I dislike Plato, I'm just sick of losing. Sometimes I'll play along with you even though I don't really feel like it. It's more like trying to entertain you but it's really dreadful for me. I'm not into competition games and I have to pretend to have fun and say good job to you when you score. My patience has reached its' limit yesterday. I was so burnt out from being on auto pilot during the day and at night I have to entertain and babysit my partner. I'm tired too. I just wanted to talk and rest my mind. I don't want to play games and pretend I'm having fun. 

I guess you didn't take the hint during the rematch when I said I wanted to win. I meant it. I thought you would let me win but seems like our score was 5-2? Out of all the games we played; poker, archery, bounce, mini golf, darts, war ships, I thought I finally found a game which I can win. Seems like that's not it. I suck at Go Fish too. I immediately delete the application after we ended the game. You asked me if I really did. I sent you a screenshot of my app store and that's when you became sad. I wanted to talk things out but you didn't want to. We were on call for a few minutes just idling. I just wanted to turn off the lights and talk about the issue but you didn't want to . It's okay. I respect your decision. We both promised not to go to bed sad and would always resolve it at the end of the day. We broke our own rule.

You've asked me "How long do you think we will last?". I said for as long as we can. I'm having second thoughts about that. The more I think, the more differences we have. You like spicy food, but I don't. You like to sleep in late but I'm an early riser. You told me at during the early stage of our relationship that you wanted a supportive partner. I don't think I'm doing a good job. I'm probably adding more stress on your already stressful job. I meant it when I said I was a stress hole. I was waiting for your reply when you're resting and busy getting lost in IG. You're right, you needed rest from work and from me. I don't think I'm healthy for you. I feel like I'm weighing you down. 

I deleted the butterfly park schedule in our calendar. It's Thursday today and if we can't solve our issue, it's going to be a disastrous outing. It's better that we call it off. You've been sleep deprived and it's selfish of me to ask you to wake up early just to go there. I was really excited to go to the park. I googled for the areas to park, the best time to visit, the price of entrance fees, and the surrounding areas that we can visit. I even packed my camera, mini fan, mosquito patch, tiny bottles of water, tissues, cap and umbrella to go. I realised that it might be a one sided thing. You might not want to go and is just entertaining me like the way I pretend to have fun on Plato. I don't want to inconvenient others just for the sake of myself. I still want to go to the park.

We're not over. I still love you very much. I need to patch up my well being first before I can face you with a smiling face.

I'm not well. I'm so burnt out from everything.

You don't always have to hold my hand

 We've just celebrated our half year anniversary over the weekends yay 

We were very lucky to be able to find parking at our dining place. We were also very lucky that we had seats at the ice cream place. There was a long queue behind us as we were ordering our ice-cream. 

Then after that things became bad. When we were trying to exit the parking, there were many cars around so it was difficult to come out. We were holding up the traffic because we keep reversing in and out of the parking spot. I got frustrated and told you to let me do it instead but you insist to keep trying. With the help of two men, we were able to exit the parking spot but I said some very mean things later. 

You got mad at me and didn't wanna talk or hold my hand. I think that's where everything started going wrong. I felt my stomach sank because I knew things were gonna be worse if the argument was even bigger. I wish you would say something mean and we could have went home right after that. We almost did everything you wanted to do and I hope you forgive me for being mean. We went home afterwards and I just brushed everything off.

On Sunday when we were having night call, you asked me if I really meant what I said on Saturday. That's when I felt 'oh, he actually remembers it and probably hasn't forgiven me.' I felt like crying so I requested you to say some mean things to me. You didn't want to say it at first but afterwards you suddenly said you hated me. I guess that was what I wanted to hear on Saturday night. It made everything better during that moment but I can't stop replaying the sentence in my head. 

I guess I have to prep myself for worse situations if we ever argued again. It also could mean you leaving me or ignoring me for days. I don't know, I just felt very alone. During the start of the relationship I said we should always be independent. I got comfortable with you and started relying on you a little too much. I imagine if we don't make it till the end, I'll be left alone again. I know you don't mean what you said and would always hold my hand. I don't want to burden you with my thoughts especially when work is already so hard on you. 

You're too good for me. I don't know what I can do to make everything better. I don't even know what sin you've committed in your past life to be dating someone like me or what good things have I done in my previous life to find someone like you now. I guess I'll just be quiet next time and not say anything. My harsh words ended up hurting myself.

I just want you to know, you don't always have to hold my hand.

Things that I wanted to tell you but couldn't:-

1. I had a hard time at work yesterday. My senior was being selfish by not helping my colleagues and I pack stuffs. I had to sort out all the drawings by myself yesterday.
   
   
2. I was still a little down from Saturday mainly because I think I'm not doing enough to make you happy.
   
   
3. Also I keep overthinking about things like, I don't give good encouragement, I can't help you with your work stress and most importantly, I don't think I can turn you on. I feel sad about it. I know making out is something that you really want to do. I also know sitting on your lap and giving you hugs won't be sufficient. 
   
   
4. I actually waited till 10pm hoping we can call but in the end you called your friend instead. It's okay. I can't give you the help you needed anyway.
   
   
5. I'm lost too. Idk what to say when you tell me about your work stuff. I know the things I say won't help or ease your burden. I just feel helpless that I can't do anything. 
   
   
6. There's so many things I wanna tell you but it all seems so little and pointless to tell you when you're having a hard time. Things like
   - I left work on time today
   - Besto brewed me kombucha
   - We might have sake night on Wednesday and coffee run on Thursday
   - My designer texted me today
   - I had pan mee 
   - I brought the sanitizer you gave me to office
   
   
7.  I know you're having a hard time at work but I hope you realize that I'm not doing too good myself too. I'm crumbling inside. Idk to tell you or just pretend everything is okay. I guess I'm gonna continue to put on a brave face (:
   

You just texted me again. 'I feel demotivated.' I feel demotivated too but I replied with a somewhat positive message.

I wonder when will you realize that I'm not okay too?